When you lay your hands on me (I know that I can heal)
by sharkinterviewee
Summary: It was clear that Jake Peralta was a jerk from the moment Amy Santiago met him. She hated that she was supposed to work with him for god knows how long she was assigned the 'detective'. They were only ever going to be partners in name only.- AKA:How Amy learns that she can trust her partner, Jake Peralta. AkA: How Amy falls in love with her partner, Jake Peralta.
1. Partners

When Amy started working at the nine nine, she was partnered with the most pathetic excuse for a detective. He was the most immature, crude, absolute jerk she had ever met, and she was sure that Peralta would never act like an adult- even if his life depended on it.  
She grew up on cop movies and she always imagined having a partner that she could really bond with, but there was no possible way to have a real conversation, much less a meaningful relationship with him. They were never going to become close, and Amy would just have to deal with that. Maybe she would be transferred after some time and she could actually be partnered with someone who could manage to be serious for a second and was actually nice to her. She would just have to deal with being partners with a 12 year old in the meantime. She couldn't wait for the day until she didn't have to see his face any more. She was anticipating it.

* * *

It hadn't even been 2 months since her first day when a kidnapping case came in. She and Jake both worked through a full 48 hours before they finally found what they needed, but they got there too late. Amy could still see the boy's body and his blood on the floor; it kept running through her head at every angle on repeat. Every time she closed her eyes, and even when they were open she saw his face on every passing person.  
When they got back to the precinct Amy felt like breaking down (catching the killer provided little consolation). It wasn't like she wasn't prepared to see something so awful. Amy knew the facts and figures, and she had memorized all of the statistics. But looking at crime scene photos was nothing compared to the reality. He was just a...  
She had talked to his parents. Photos were nothing compared to the reality of seeing just a kid after talking to his parents.  
She was glad she wasn't the one who had to tell them.  
Amy went to the balcony with the intention of sneaking a cigarette, but it was clear that wasn't happening anytime soon. The moment she stepped outside she inhaled deeply which only made it worse, her breaths were getting shaky and she knew what was coming: the sobs.  
"Hey," a voice said, and she didn't even notice he had come out there and she hated that it was him, and that it just made her want to cry more.  
Amy turned to him with as much anger written on her face as she could muster (in an attempt to mask the tears clouding her vision) and was surprised to see the concern written on his.  
"What do you want?" She spat venom, and it came out way worse than she meant it to sound, but fuck, if she did anything other than get mad it would lead to her collapsing.  
"I'll leave if you want. I just... didn't want you to be alone," Jake's voice was soft and sincere.  
Even though Amy didn't think even he was enough of an asshole to come make fun of her after what they both saw that, she hadn't expected the genuineness from him.  
Most people would have phrased it differently. Most people would have said "I didn't think you would want to be alone."  
But Jake wasn't enough to presume that, and that would have placed his whole motivation on her shoulders. He said he didn't want her to be alone. He wanted someone there with her, and he was taking the blame for his intrusion.  
So he didn't presume that Amy didn't want to be alone, and he didn't lie and say that the only reason he was out there was because he didn't want to be alone. If it was just about himself he could have just stayed inside with everyone else in the precinct.  
She knew that if she did say that she wanted him to leave he would go back and send someone else out to keep her company because he could pick up the animosity and annoyance she'd had for him ever since she met him, so he got that she probably wouldn't want to spend anymore time with him than absolutely necessary.  
He'd been in the field awhile now, so he probably knew from experience that no on should be alone after that. They should be with a group of people, or at least one other person. Not off alone sneaking a cigarette.  
If she wanted someone there, or if she didn't care one way or the other he wanted to be there- he didn't want to go unless she wanted him to.  
Because he knew she shouldn't be alone, and he wanted to be the one who stayed with her.  
Amy knew he was waiting for her to ask him to leave, but she couldn't speak a word without crying. So instead, without thinking, she ran to him and curled her hands up in his shirt. She tried to thank him, but she didn't even get half of the word out before she started sobbing. Jake wrapped his arms around her and rubbed her back without making a sound.  
He was warm, and she felt safe for the first time that night. She was soaking his shirt with her tears, but he didn't complain. He didn't offer any comforting words that they both knew would fall flat. He just held her.  
After a good 15 minutes she had managed to cry everything out, but it took a good 10 minutes more for her breathing to return to anywhere near normal.  
"I threw up the first time I saw a dead body that wasn't in pictures or in a morgue," Jake offered. She was half afraid he was going to pull away when he first started speaking, but he stayed where he was, arms still around her, his hands still rubbing her back. So she was still wrapped in his warmth.  
"And I shook for the rest of the day until I was finally sent home because I couldn't even write my own name. I probably would have shot myself if I even tried to pick up my gun."  
Amy laughed a dry laugh, but a laugh none the less.  
"It doesn't get easier," he said with a sudden somberness. "I wish I could tell you it does, but it doesn't. Eventually you start seeing them as parts of a case, and not people, and that's okay. But it's always awful when you first see them and you have to remind yourself to keep distant and stay impartial. And that'll work for a while, but there's always a small part of you that thinks about their family, or their coworkers, what their favorite movie was, what they did the night before, and if they had any sort of feeling that something bad was gonna happen. And it'll hit you every once in a while, all the past cases and you'll be stuck in your head until someone drags you out of it, but you don't have to worry cause there's always someone to drag you out of it. Like your partner or someone."  
She noticed the question in his voice when he said the word partner, and she couldn't describe the way her heart felt like it was going to burst. She pulled away with a sniffle and tried to ignore the loom on his face that she couldn't decipher.  
"Should I be embarrassed by how big of a reason those buddy cop movies were for me becoming a detective? All of that partner nonsense? But I'll make sure to bother you next time, Peralta," she attempted to get back to his usual joking tone, but he didn't go for it.  
"You could never bother me."  
It wasn't that Amy wasn't thankful for the moment they were in, it was just that she didn't know how to interact to the newly presented sincere side of her partner. She didn't know how to handle the seriousness, so she leaned back against the brick wall and he leaned beside her, close but not touching. Eventually her hand fell and the back of hers hit the back of his and she had the almost uncontrollable urge to take his hand. She thought he felt it too judging by the way his fingers twitched, but he didn't act on it.  
They just pressed the backs of their hands together in the silence.

* * *

Eventually someone came out looking for them and they reluctantly went back inside. Amy didn't even notice who it was, that came looking, just that they were the reason she and him couldn't stay. She wasn't sure how long they were on the balcony, but it was a long time, and yet not nearly long enough. It wasn't enough time in the quiet and the night, with the back of Jake's hand pressed against hers.  
He gave her slight smiles the rest of the night. Everyone was still there wrapping up the day's work, but that wasn't the real reason. The truth was no one wanted to be alone after that. Not just yet.  
Jake's shirt still wasn't completely dry from her earlier sob fest. When someone commented on it she stiffened up, but Jake just brushed it off with a joke about a defective water gun that he was going to get a refund on without so much as a glance at her to risk giving it away. It was obvious by his face that he wasn't crying recently. The cool air and time had done Amy's eyes some good and they were only a bit more red than normal, but if he had even looked in her direction for a moment it would have been enough to put two and two together. But he didn't.  
But Jake still sent the secret, soft smiles to her without arousing suspicion. And eventually she managed to start smiling back.

* * *

The next day greeted her with a raised eyebrow, and she gave him a nod to tell him that she was doing all right, and he got right back to teasing her like usual.  
That was the first time she knew she could trust Jake Peralta, her partner.

* * *

 **AN: This was meant to be my first hurt/comfort fic of the super hurting variety, but it was lost among the rubble of my laptop. It was supposed to be a one shot and I'm almost done with it (I think), but since it was getting to be so long I just wanted to get this out here and cut the one shot into like multiple chapters and stuff, so there is an end in sight.**


	2. Time goes by

Jake always seemed to know when she needed him, even if they weren't working on the same case that day. She never had to ask him for his comfort, he just showed up whenever she needed it. It wasn't always crying. Sometimes it was fast food and cheesy movies, and sometimes it was the worst board game that money could buy with the weirdest most disgusting flavors of soda and candy that he drove miles to buy.

But there were still a lot of times when he held her, and times when she cried into his shoulder.

* * *

Sometimes the comforting felt so one sided. At first she wondered if it was just because he had more experience with the awful parts of the job since he was working as a detective before her. Then she wondered if it was just a guy thing. And then she realized just how terrible Jake was with emotions.

Sometimes she'd say she needed him when she could see he was getting a bit off. He knew what she was doing, but he never said no. They both knew what she was doing, and they both knew that they both knew what she was doing. So when Amy went to help him it was more of a formality of her saying it was just for herself- like a secret code word or password for him to let her in to comfort him. She didn't make him ask, and she didn't make him say it out loud, but it was a silent understanding since the meaning wasn't lost on either of them. The Jake and Amy club: the password was her saying that it was just for her and neither of them would acknowledge out loud that it was a total lie.

* * *

It was a couple years down the line when he finally, properly needed her. Amy had been at a conference all day and came home immediately when Charles told her all of the things he'd seen that day, and how he was in a bad way for hours. She stopped by her apartment to find some things to distract him, but before she could look long there was a single, heavy knock at her door. When she opened it Jake just collapsed into her. His face was blank and he looked numb, like he wasn't really seeing anything before his eyes and moved like he was walking through mud. Amy could tell that he didn't need movies or music or junk food, he just needed someone. He just needed her.

She led him to her couch and laid his head on her lap while she ran a hand through his hair and hummed anything she could think of. Eventually she realized he had fallen asleep, but she didn't wake him. Just kept humming until she drifted off too.

He was still there the next morning, and he still wasn't back to normal, so she called in sick. Amy pulled out some tubs of alcoholic ice cream she had been saving to try with him when he was happy, if she ever got the courage to ask him over when they were both happy. But now seemed as good a time as any, so she pulled out the ice cream and watched die hard with him 4 times (she owned all of the DVDs by that point). By the 2nd viewing his head found its way into her lap again and her hand returned to his hair.

If she didn't know any better she would describe the situation as romantic. But she did know better.

This closeness with him, this warmth, her hand stroking his hair- it wasn't romantic. She didn't know what it was, but it definitely was not romantic.

There was a completely different reason that her lungs were filled with static, there had to be- she just didn't know what.

There had to be a reason that there literally was a pain in the left side of her chest.

Like a dull ache. Even if she did feel all warm and fuzzy in her lungs because she knew that she was getting as close as she was ever going to get to something she wanted so very badly, it wasn't supposed to hurt.

Emotions were not supposed to be able to produce a physical pain. That wasn't how they were supposed to work.

And her eyes were not supposed to be pricking with tears because this was a nice moment.

It was nice, even with the ache in her chest, because the warm static in her lungs wasn't bad at all. His head in her lap and her hand stroking his hair felt good and right.

Still the tears were threatening to overflow.

* * *

 **AN: Basically friends with emotional benefits- just like time out on the teasing.**

 **It's like the comfort equivalent of fight club. The first rule of the Jake and Amy club is that you don't talk about the Jake and Amy club.**  
 **The second rule of the Jake and Amy club is that you don't talk about the Jake and Amy club even during the Jake and Amy club's meetings between it's 2 only members. The third rule of the Jake and Amy club is no new members.**

 **The 4th rule is more of a self imposed rule, which is don't fall in love with your co club member. Here's a hint: they both break that rule.**

 **The next chapter should be the conclusion to this drawn out, cut up one shot.**


	3. Lie to me

Eventually their bad days lined up. It wasn't exactly unexpected since they worked 99% of their cases together and saw the same horrible things, but for the most part one of them was always more put together than the other.

But that day there was a lot of shooting and near misses- with way too many close calls. They were both lucky to get off with only a few scrapes and bruises. And when their bad days were finally lined up they were both desperate.

Their kisses were half crazed mixed between scratches and bites. When she began unbuttoning his shirt he stopped her and placed his forehead against hers.

"I don't want you to regret this tomorrow."

"I won't," she assured him and moved her hands back up to his shirt, but he caught them with a sigh.

"Let's just be us tonight. And we can watch one of those boring black and white movies you love so much. And if you still feel the same in the morning we can... give us a try."

Amy garnered from his words that he was certain his stance wasn't going to change, and even though she knew hers wouldn't either he would never believe her, so she acquiesced. They went to her living room and she set on a movie while he spread out on her couch, and he offered his hand up to her and pulled her down to lay on top of him.

She wasn't sure what was going to happen tomorrow. She didn't want to lose this, and she didn't want to lose him. Amy was worried if she fell asleep then everything would change. She'd wanted to kiss him for ages, but she was always worried about changing.

That if she kissed him and it didn't work out, she would lose his warmth, his comfort, and his hands. That if she kissed him she would lose him.

She didn't want to lose Jake.

She tried to fight it and she tried to stay awake, but she couldn't change the facts.

It was a long, hard, bad day. Amy was tired.

And she was lying in his arms with her head against his chest. She was wrapped in his warmth and comfort.

When his hands started rubbing small circles on her back, she didn't have any choice but to fall asleep.

* * *

When Amy awoke the next morning Jake was already staring down at her and playing with her hair. She wished she hadn't opened her eyes when she first thought of it, because now she couldn't even pretend to still be asleep. She was sure she could fake sleeping for at least a few more hours if it meant she had more time in his warm embrace.

But she didn't. She had looked at him and the look on his face made her throat feel thick no matter how many times she swallowed.

Jake's eyes weren't empty, but they weren't full either- they had a gravity that threatened to pull her in. His face didn't just look like resignation and reluctance.

Jake looked like he was mourning.

"Hey," he whispered with a soft smile that didn't reach his brown eyes that dragged her to him. She never even had a hope of escaping.

"Hey," she managed a response, and even that one word felt trite and small compared to all of the things she had yet to say, and all of the things she wasn't sure she would ever say. Everything felt meaningless next to him.

Amy wished she could just freeze time in that moment. Or that she could freeze the world around them and they could stay there as long as they liked. And she could let herself feel safe with him.

Amy wished they could just breathe easy together without having a care in the world. Without the worry and the resignation, just Amy and Jake.

But she wasn't breathing easy. Her chest was tight. And even though she wanted nothing more than to stay in his warmth she forced herself to stand up and leave his touch.

She remembered what he said last night. How he had phrased it. Jake made it sound like his feelings were never in question and that they wouldn't change. It seemed Amy had misinterpreted him when he stood up and headed towards the door.

"Are you leaving?"

"It's okay. You don't have to feel weird or bad or anything. I get that it was just adrenaline," he excused, but she wasn't sure if it was an excuse meant for her or for him. When he turned around to face her but not really look at her she couldn't tell if adrenaline was his excuse and he really had changed his mind. Or if he was just convinced that Amy had changed hers.

"Was it just adrenaline for you?" She asked and he just stood there unresponsive. "Was adrenaline the only reason you kissed me last night?" She pressed him for an answer.

"What do you want me to say?" He sighed and shook his head like he was just giving up once and for all.

"The truth."

"I don't want to tell you the truth."

She knew then that he was scared. If he wasn't he would have just said that his only reason was adrenaline and moved on. Nothing to be scared of. He would have said yes. It was obvious to both of them what the implication of that was, and even if he wanted to avoid outright saying it at all costs, this was the roundabout way of admitting his feelings.

If he didn't feel that way about her, he would have said yes.

But that wasn't the truth, and even though he was too afraid to come right out and say it, his refusal told her all she needed to know.

"Then tell me a lie."

"Yes, the only reason I kissed you last night was adrenaline," Jake lied and looked so utterly defeated with his head hanging low paired with the patented Jake Peralta slouch.

She was half afraid that he was going to run away from all of the emotions, but he just stood there fixated on the floor like he was waiting to be dismissed.

But she wasn't going to let him go.

"Tell me another," Amy ordered with a smirk, and he seemed to be taken aback by not getting the dismissal he expected, and even more surprised by her smirk. And she was glad that his surprised and confused look overtook his defeated look, because she didn't like the latter on him.

"Huh?"

"A lie. Tell me another lie. I liked the first one, but it wasn't good enough. Tell me a better lie, Jake," she challenged, and loved the look he was wearing when it was finally getting through to him that she wanted this too. That she wanted him.

She got to see the expression on his face when it suddenly dawned on him that she felt the same way, like the idea had never even crossed his mind before and he was mystified by it. Mystified by her.

When he was still silent and standing there mesmerized and frozen she taunted him with a cocked hip. "Can't think of any better ones? I would have expected _the_ Jake Peralta to be able to come up with a lie I liked hearing even more than the first one, but I guess I was wrong."

And it really was a taunt, but an encouraging one. Jake didn't need cheering, he needed a challenge. To snap him out of it. Because Jake Peralta could never back down from a challenge.

Cause that's what they were, that's what they always were. Everything was always a challenge because of their competitive nature and they always tried to outdo each other, so it made sense they would be the same in a relationship.

She could see it all.

They were going to make a bet to see who would break down and kiss the other at work first, and if she won he was gonna have to make her breakfast in bed for the whole week and if he won he was gonna make her watch die hard 6 times in a row. They were still going to try to solve more cases than each other, but after work they'd go home and fuck out their frustrations. Maybe even add some kinkier stuff to their wagers too. They were _definitely_ going to add some kinkier stuff to their wagers.

But they were going to kiss all the time like they meant it, because they both would.

Amy could see it all looking at him then, and by his growing smile he could see it too.

"I don't think about kissing you every day," he said, and thank god he was finally getting it. When she started walking towards him biting down her grin, he didn't back away. He didn't try to run and he didn't try to hide. Just kept up the best lies that had ever reached her ears. "And I definitely don't picture waking up next to you every morning. I absolutely never think about watching boring black and white movies with you when we're both happy."

When she finally reached him she wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned in to ask a simple question.

"Still lying?" Amy grinned.

"Fuck yes," he answered before crashing his lips to hers.

* * *

"I want that too," she breathed with her forehead pressed against his. They were still standing where he was waiting to be dismissed originally, but now she was standing with him and holding him to her. And Jake's arms were around her holding her to him. The only reason they had even stopped kissing was that they couldn't even kiss right when they couldn't stop grinning like idiots at each other. "I want the kissing and the mornings too, Jake. I want the happiness. And I want to be close to you without having to use bad days as an excuse."

"Let's do that then. Good, happy days. No more excuses," he suggested, and she kissed him chastely before responding.

"Yeah. Let's do that."

* * *

"Let's save the sex for tomorrow or something. Not today."

"Really?" Amy asked, more than slightly surprised to hear those words come out of his mouth. The mouth that she was making out pretty desperately the night before and _extremely_ desperately just now until he pulled back when they started getting a little more into it. She wondered if she was going to have to assure him again that she wanted him for ages and it wasn't just an adrenaline decision for her.

"Yeah," he shrugged. "I kinda just want to lay around with you all day. Save the active fucking for later, y'know?"

"Detective Peralta, are you asking me to cuddle?" She grinned maliciously and waited for him to get flustered.

"Yup," he said simply and didn't get flustered at all.

She had to admit, she really wanted to cuddle with him too.

So she did.

They watched a boring black and white movie in the same position on the couch that they fell asleep on the night before, only this time she wasn't scared of changing. She wasn't scared of losing him.

Jake's hand was rubbing circles on her back, and every so often he'd place a kiss on her forehead while she breathed him in brushed her fingertips through his hair.

They had a lot of sweet lip to lip kisses that day, but nothing further.

All Amy wanted was his warmth, and he gave it over without a fight. So she gave him every bit of her love back.

* * *

 **AN: Ta da. This was the finale of my drawn out one shot. Chapter 3 of 3. Thanks for reading and have a great day!**


End file.
